A Resort for Random Elves
by OneSizeFitsAll
Summary: Galadriel, Elrond, and Gildor simultaneously decide that blonde elves who never do anything important need to take holidays. But when Haldir, Glorfindel, and Gildor himself all go to the Resort for Random Elves, they find it one of the most strenuous experiences of their lives. It seems nutcases don't get along well together. Until Haldir develops a clever plan.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey, just wanted to let you know this is a complete and total waste of time...so please go ahead and waste your time!**

A Resort for Random Elves

Haldir strode briskly across the bridge which spanned the gap between the two trees. He whistled cheerfully to himself, wondering what Galadriel wanted now. She always wanted something, but then, Haldir was ever ready to do her bidding, an attitude which caused the other Lothlorien elves to put him down as 'crazy'.

He came into the presence of the lord and lady and bowed low before Galadriel. He ignored Celeborn, everybody knew he was only there for looks.

"Haldir," said Galadriel absently, "I have been thinking for some time and have decided that you need a holiday."

"What?" asked Haldir, profoundly shocked.

"A holiday...a vacation. You've been working yourself too hard. You shall not be needed so much this month, so now is the perfect time to take a few weeks off. I'm sending you to the Resort for Random Elves."

"But..." said Haldir.

"No, really," said Galadriel. "I shall do very well without you...go ahead and enjoy yourself."

"But..." said Haldir.

But it was too late.

A week later, Haldir found himself at the Resort for Random Elves. He had to admit it was kind of fun here...nothing to do, no one around...kind of cool, really. But then a car drove up and out hopped a blonde-haired elf (which only means that it could have been basically any elf in the world except for Elrond himself). He saw Haldir and came up to him with a cheesy grin.

"Hi!" he said, sticking out his hand. "I'm Glorfindel."

Haldir reluctantly shook it. "My name's Haldir."

"Wait a minute," said Glorfindel, "you mean you're the dark-dealings-dwarf-dude? That's awesome, man!"

"I'm not a dwarf!" replied Haldir, visibly offended. "Nor a man!"

"No, I mean, you're the dude who does that cool spiel: 'We have not had dealings with the dwarves since the dark days of the dawn of doom'."

"I never said that!"

"Yeah, you did! I saw the movie! And I thought it was cool to know the going-going-gone-guy!"

"The going-going-gone-guy?" Haldir was bewildered.

"Yeah, you know, Lindir. In the first Hobbit movie he comes on screen with a doofy look on his fruity face and says 'Lord Elrond, (ten second pause) the dwarves, (ten second pause) they're gone,' like he's afraid Elrond is gonna bite him or something. We're like best friends back at home. We even started a club...it's for people who can't figure out why they're not in the movie when they were in the book or the other way round. Elrohir and Elladan are in it, and so is Prince Imrahil. It's really cool."

"Um..." said Haldir. He had completely lost track of what Glorfindel was talking about. "So, what are you doing here?"

"Elrond sent me on a vacation. He said I could either come here or go to Minas Tirith, and there's no way I'm going within a hundred miles of Arwen. I detest that girl. She's a traitor. Thief. Sap. What about you?"

"I'm not a sap..."

"No, I mean, what are you doing here?"

"Galadriel made me come."

"Oh yeah, that's right. That witch who rules all you guys. She sounds almost as bad as Arwen. The way she smiles when somebody gives her a compliment is absolutely disgusting. Creepy. Sick."

Haldir was shocked. "You shouldn't talk that way about Lady Galadriel."

"Why not?" asked Glorfindel. "Isn't she sick?"

"Of course not," said Haldir haughtily. "She's in an excellent state of health."

"No, I mean, isn't she disgusting?"

"No. She's beautiful."

"Whew!" said Glorfindel. "You're CRAZY! Insane! Bonkers!"

Haldir have no reply to this, but doubtless he was thinking the same thing about Glorfindel.

The two parted, and for the next few days, Haldir avoided Glorfindel as much as possible.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Hey! I'm back! Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favourited, or followed the first chapter, and to anyone else who risked his time by just reading it...even just the first few words! You guys are great! **

**Warning: This chapter is rated PG13 for unbelievably disturbing mental images. Read at your own risk...that's a command! Now do it! Anyways, next chapter...oh, and for** ccgaylord**, nutcase #3 coming up right here!**

Chapter 2

Three days after Haldir met Glorfindel, a motorcycle stopped in front of the resort and yet another blonde-haired elf climbed off. He majestically approached Haldir and Glorfindel, who had stopped to watch in curiosity.

"Hail, Haldir and Glorfindel, sons of two unnamed elves," he said smoothly. Smoothly is an understatement...he sounded as though his tongue had been buttered.

"My dad's name was Bob," Glorfindel informed him.

"How did you know my name?" asked Haldir.

"We know many things," said the new elf, laughing lightly. "Just not the names of your fathers."

"We? Wow, dude, that's creepy," Glorfindel whispered to Haldir. "How many of him are there?"

"It's called schizophrenia," Haldir whispered back.

"Wow, dude, that's creepy," Glorfindel said again.

Haldir had to admit that it was. "Who are you?" he asked the stranger.

"My name is Gildor," he said. Apparently he has decided to switch to the singular. Perhaps he had heard them whispering.

That explained it, thought Haldir. He'd heard a lot about Gildor. Supposedly he was the only high elf in middle earth who acted the same as an individual as he did as part of a group. (It was a rule among the high elves that you could only sing cheerful songs, make jokes and laugh lightly when you were among a crowd of elves doing the same thing, and usually only when you were hidden in the tree tops. When you were differentiated from everybody else as an individual you had to be solemn, sober, and wise if at all possible.) He was supposedly very wise, but it was rumoured that he was also completely insane, and Haldir felt that he agreed with the rumours.

"So," said Gildor, with another deep, frivolous laugh, "what sort of a place is this? Ever since I heard that they were renovating Dol Guldur to be a resort I've been wanting to come here. What are the attractions?"

"You should have gotten a brochure before coming," said Haldir.

"I did," said Gildor. "I just didn't read it."

Whacko, thought Haldir. Definitely whacko.

"Oh!" said Glorfindel. "It's so cool, man. There's this awesome mini golf course. Wanna play? Haldir never will."

"Miniature golf always bores me," said Gildor.

"What?" asked Glorfindel. "You're CRAZY! Screwy! Deranged!"

Good, thought Haldir. He wasn't the only one.

"Hey," said Gildor, unperturbed, "do they have a swimming pool here?"

"Yeah," said Glorfindel. "And a spa."

"Wonderful!" said Gildor. "See you guys around."

"Not if I can help it," muttered Haldir.

* * *

The next couple weeks were spent mostly trying to avoid Glorfindel and Gildor. Haldir became an expert at dodging into side passages at the sound of footsteps, hiding whenever someone came into the room he occupied, and diving (and staying) under the murky water of the indoor swimming pool whenever Gildor came for a swim before he was able to escape.

But no matter how expert he was, he could not avoid running into them at times, and at these times he suffered the most acute agony. The worst of it was that Galadriel had extended his visit to three weeks, and none of his most passionate texts would move her.

At last he collapsed in his bed in despair. He could not live if he remained under the same roof as Glorfindel and Gildor much longer. But there seemed to be no help for it. He would just have to die. He sniffed pathetically.

The problem with sniffing is that once you do it once, you tend to keep on doing it and can't stop yourself. That was the case with Haldir. Before long he was crying into the pillow.

I don't know if you have ever seen an elf crying. In particular, Haldir crying. It is a very touching (and disturbing) sight. Haldir thought that even Gildor and Glorfindel must have been touched had they seem him. (They definitely would have been disturbed.)

He imagined them, the cruelest of the elven race, the hardest-hearted, the most insane...

That was it! Haldir lost his train of thought, stopped crying, and sat up. It was the perfect idea. An idea to get them out his long blonde hair for good.

**A/N: Okay, there it is! Pleeaassee review...even leave a cruel, scathing review if you want to...I'd appreciate even that!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Okay I'm back. Thanks, **ccgaylord **and **Lily-Lindsey Aubery** for reviewing. Here's the next chapter.**

Chapter 3

Haldir sauntered out of the lift, trying to look casual and innocent. He didn't usually come down at this time of morning, since this was the time the other elves ate breakfast, but today he wanted to catch them together.

"Good-morning," he said as he entered the resort dining room.

"Hail," said Gildor with one of his light laughs that Haldir found so annoying. "You are abroad early this morning."

"Hey," said Glorfindel, "what's up, dude? You never get up this early!"

"Um..." said Haldir, "I accidentally woke up at three this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. So I decided I might as well get up."

That was untrue. Haldir hoped it didn't sound as untrue to them as it did to him.

They seemed to accept the answer, and invited him to sit down and dig in.

"Hey," said Haldir, conversationally. "Why don't we go to town this afternoon? Resorts are all very well, but I think I need a change of scene once in a while. Don't you?"

"I came here for a change of scene," said Gildor, laughing (again).

"Oh yeah, lets!" said Glofindel. "Let's go shopping! I need a new cape anyways!"

"Sure," said Haldir, although he hated the pastime. "We could go shopping..."

"I don't like shopping," said Gildor.

"Well," said Haldir, "we can do whatever, then. There'll be something interesting happening, I'm sure." He was sure. There would be something interesting going on, after they got there. "You guys in?"

"You bet, dude," said Glorfindel.

"Well," said Gildor, "I was going to go swimming, but I guess I could do it another time."

"Dude!" said Glorfindel. "You go swimming, like, everyday, man!"

"That's what resorts are for," said Gildor. "But I guess I'll come. Do they have good food in the village?"

"We'll find out," said Haldir. "I'm sure they do somewhere."

* * *

That afternoon, three elves with hair in three varying lengths and degrees of blondeness strode through town arguing about what they were going to do. Two of them were arguing that is. Haldir agreed to every idea that came up. He was fairly sure that his idea was going to work whatever they did.

They walked past a store window and Glorfindel pulled them to a stop, pointing to a manakin that stood with in. "Hey, look!" he said. "I want that cape! Come on, let's go on in!"

"No," said Gildor, "I don't want to go shopping. Let's go get something to eat. I'm hungry."

"Why don't we go and let Glorfindel buy his cape, and then we'll go find something to eat," said Haldir. "Since he's already got the right one picked out, it can't take too long."

"Okay," said Gildor dubiously.

They entered the shop. Or, that is, they would have entered it, if Glorfindel had not stopped in the door way so they couldn't get in.

"Wow, dude!" he said. "This is amazing!"

Haldir got a look over Glorfindel's shoulder and quickly got behind Gildor so he couldn't run away. The store was filled with racks upon racks of capes in every hue, shape and size.

Ten minutes later, Glorfindel was painstakingly looking at and trying on every cape, one by one. Gildor was leaning against the wall, sucking a candy stick, his arms crossed and and a dark, deadly look on his face. Haldir was enjoying the spectacle of Gildor, and being disgusted by the spectacle of Glorfindel trying on a lavender coloured cape. Glorfindel had such bad taste. Haldir always stuck to red, but if you had to wear a different colour, you should definitely go with a dark, rich green.

Haldir was also waiting for his plan to unfold. It was taking way too long. He wondered how he could hurry it a little bit.

He sauntered up to Gildor.

"You know," Haldir said anxiously, "if we stay here much longer, I'm afraid they won't have any tables left at any of the restaurants, and we won't be able to eat until after the lunch rush, which only ends after two."

"Two o'clock!" Gildor cried, staring at him in horror.

"Sometimes not until three," added Haldir, "and that's when the dinner rush begins.

Gildor turned positively green. "Let's go," he said. "Quick!"

"We can't really leave without Glorfindel...I feel rather responsible for him, you know. I'm sure he'd get into a scrape without me there to watch after him. Besides, he has our money."

This was true. Haldir had suggested that Glorfindel carry their wallets in a stroke of genius as they left the house. Gildor, brain-dead as he was, had not objected, but had actually seemed to think it a good idea, and Glorfindel, of course, had no reason to oppose the arrangement.

"Well," said Gildor, "go and get him to come on then!"

"Oh," said Haldir, "I'd really rather not. He's so touchy, he might think I was implying that he was holding us up."

"Which is what you would be implying!"

"I'd hate to hurt his feelings though," said Haldir.

"I wouldn't, the no-good ballerina!" exclaimed Gildor. Glorfindel was at that moment seeing how a neon pink cape suited his complexion.

Gildor marched toward him with a scowl like a storm cloud. Haldir chucked maniacally, too low for anyone else to hear. His plan was working.

**A/N: Please review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Here's the next chapter. **

Chapter 4

Gildor marched up to Glorfindel with a scowl like a storm cloud.

"Hey, look here," he said, snatching a aquamarine blue cape from Glorfindel's grasp, "it's time to go. We can't wait for you any longer. We're going to eat now...so hurry up."

"Dude!" said Glorfindel. "You tore that cape...and it was my favorite!"

Thank goodness, thought Haldir. He would have looked awful in it.

"I'll have to buy the pink one..." continued Glorfindel.

Nooo! thought Haldir.

"You don't have time to buy anything," said Gildor. "Come on...let's go."

"But I need a cape!" said Glorfindel. "This is the chance of a lifetime...they have every colour there is here...and everything is 10% off!"

"I don't care if everything is 100% off...or 150%! We're leaving right now!"

"I'm not moving a step!" said Glorfindel, arms akimbo.

"Oh, aren't you?" asked Gildor. He sounded rather nasty...even nastier than he had sounded heretofore. "We'll see about that."

"We will indeed," said Glorfindel. He lowered his head and charged, bull-style, into Gildor's stomach.

"Oww!" cried Gildor. He caught Glorfindel's right arm and twisted it as far back as it would go.

"Aaaaaaaah!" screamed Glorfindel. He brought his left fist around and landed Gildor a black eye.

Gildor...

But it would take far too long to recount the fight in detail, and it would involve too many screams and questionable ejaculations. All that needs to be told is that when the police burst into the store, both elves were covered with bruises, Gildor was limping, and Glorfindel's wrist was turning red.

The police collared them and marched them off towards the station. Haldir tagged along behind, on plea of being a 'witness'.

They three were led before a tall, black-haired elf behind a desk in the station.

"Names?" he said, not as though their names mattered in the least.

"Glorfindel," said the same meekly.

"Gildor," growled that personage, glowering at everyone in general and Glorfindel in particular.

"Haldir," said Haldir, with the comfortable assurance that he was not in trouble and that everyone else was.

"You've been convicted of fighting in a public place," the black-haired elf told Gildor and Glorfindel. "You'll spend the next three days in jail."

"Jail?" said Glorfindel. He didn't feel he'd done anything wrong.

"Jail?" said Gildor. He was thinking of the three days where he would have no pool to swim in and no gourmet food to eat.

"Jail?" said Haldir. This was not the direction he wanted this to go. In jail for three days? Only three days!

The other police marched Glorfindel and Gildor out. The black-haired official promptly proceeded to ignore Haldir.

"Excuse me," said Haldir, uncomfortably.

"What?"

"I just wanted to warn you...I happen to know those elves quite well, and I think it might be well to have a doctor check them out."

"Who, them? They're fine. No serious injuries. Nothing permanent, anyways."

"Injuries?" asked Haldir, surprised. "I wasn't talking about injuries. I mean't that it is my personal belief that they...well...they're nutty. Screwy. Insane."

He did not notice he had adopted Glorfindel's manner of speech.

"Really? Well...most elves are these days."

"Oh, I know. But they're criminally insane. You saw what they did to each other, if they are allowed to wander free they might hurt someone else...seriously. They're capable of it...your men just managed to stop them in time. Of course, it's up to you...I just wanted to warn you. You could become very unpopular if they hurt somebody in the future and it is discovered that you let them get away after three days in jail. Only three days!"

"I'm not letting them go after three days in jail," said the other elf irritably. "Not until I've had a psychiatrist check them out, at any rate. Thank you for your concern and help. Now get out."

Haldir accordingly got. He laughed softly to himself as he left. That ought to do the trick.

**A/N: Please review, favourite, and follow!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I do not own 'Banwell'. It belongs to **Lily Lindsey-Aubery**. It was used by permission.**

Chapter 5

A rickety cart bumped along the road up to the doors of Banwell, Mirkwood's insane asylum. Two elves were escorted into the building and conducted to a small, padded cell. Banwell was crowded just now...they had to double up the inmates. If any more people were admitted, they would have to triple them.

Gildor watched the door swing closed gloomily. "This is Haldir's doing," he said.

"Of course it is," said Glorfindel. Then he winked knowingly. "It's all right," he said. "I've got something really good up my sleeve."

* * *

Haldir whistled as he hurried along the street back to Dol Guldur. There was no reason to hang around. And now he could have the pool and mini golf course all to himself. It was going to be fun with out those two crack-pots about.

Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Haldir, March Warden of Lothlorien?" said a voice.

"Yes," said Haldir, turning in annoyance.

"If I could trouble you for your time," said a very blonde elf...blonder than Glorfindel even. "We need you to take a medical exam."

"Who is we, and what kind of medical exam?" asked Haldir, bewildered.

"Mirkwood police," said the elf, showing his badge. "And it's just a little medical exam we need you to take."

Haldir thought he caught the gist. "No thanks," he said. "I'm just fine. Anyways, I'm not so insane that you can trick me."

He turned to walk away, but the other elf caught him by the arm. "I'm sorry, but there is no..."

Haldir tried to shake him off, but he clung like a crawdad. Finally, Haldir punched him and ran.

He heard a whistle behind him, and suddenly, from every side rushed a few dozen elves with police badges on. They handcuffed him and dragged him towards the police station.

"But I'm not craaaaazy!" wailed Haldir, sounding very crazy indeed.

* * *

A few hours later, a few police officers marched him into a padded cell in Banwell. As the door closed, he realized he was not alone.

Gildor was reclining on one of the cots. Glorfindel was painting the wall on the other side of the room. They were both wearing black and white striped pajamas...the same outfit Haldir was wearing.

"Hail!" said Gildor, with a light laugh. "You are abroad sooner than I expected!"

"Haldir!" said Glorfindel, turning around. "We were waiting for you! How do you like my painting?"

On the wall, surrounded by hearts, flowers, and birds of paradise, Glorfindel had painted 'A Resort for Random Elves'.

The End


End file.
